Sinking Mountains

Sinking mountains:

 

A few years ago a series called "If these stones could speak" was done by my church.  During one of the sermons, I was brought back to a Bible study I had done over the previous summer.  On the last night of the study, we each picked a stone.  A bag was passed around my group and when the bag got to me there were three stones left. I reached in and pulled one out. I looked at it as I rolled it around in my palm and became aware that it happened to resemble a mountain. As I held it in my hands I noticed there was white at the top which to me looked like snow and the coloring of the stone itself looked like the rocks and trees of a mountain. We were told to choose something difficult that we needed to let go of that the stone could represent, and then, in a symbol of letting it go, we were to drop it in big orange buckets as we left that night.  Well, I wasn't quite ready to let go of what my stone represented… it represented a huge mountain that I had climbed for a very long time. There were some loose ends that needed to be tied for me to let go and move on from my stone…so I kept it for a while before I was able to let go of it, and this sermon got me thinking- If that stone could speak what would it say? I think it would tell this story…

Those who know me, know that I was involved in a very difficult legal battle over the custody of my children involving a physical and emotional domestic violence situation. This battle raged on for almost 5 years. It drained me physically, emotionally, and financially. It seemed like every time I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, I would get hit with something else, and the process would drag on longer. I focused all of my energy on winning this fight. I had to! I could not rest until my children were safe.

 About a year into my battle I was re-introduced to a man I had met in high school and we began to date. During this time I was also finding my way back into a stronger relationship with Jesus and exploring a new church family. I was baptized, renewing my commitment to God and my faith as an adult and I found great support on Sundays at my church home, in small groups, and through a network of new friends. After I was baptized things seemed to get worse. I was being tested in so many ways, it was incredibly frightening.  My personality, core beliefs, and who I was entirely was being misrepresented in a courtroom by the other petitioner. So many things were being said about me that were untrue, and the real problem and situation kept being overlooked by all involved. I was trying so hard to win this fight, and I was doing everything humanly possible to create a strong case with my attorney. Everyone I spoke to couldn't believe what I was going through in court. It didn't seem to matter how much evidence I had, or how many witnesses I had. We kept losing. No one was listening!! No one seemed to hear the words that I was speaking…..attorneys, judges, and, child protective service workers were all failing me and my kids. Even my own attorney made a horrible defeating comment to the opposition when he was asked “You don’t really believe her do you?”  he replied, “ I am paid to believe her”. I immediately obtained a new attorney who believed my story. He believed the events took place, but I don't think he understood the full picture and absolute terror of what we actually went through. If he did, he must have still known, as an attorney, that unless something absolutely horrific were to happen to my children, the courts wouldn't listen to what I had to say, and take the danger I was proclaiming seriously. There is a huge problem in the Family Court system of our country when it comes to domestic violence custody situations but I will save that story for another time. This story is about my emotional journey through these events which brought me closer to Jesus than I have ever been. 

 During this long battle, I had prayed to God for help. I had spoken with church friends and my family about what I was going through, and how frustrated I was with the situation. How could things be this way?! Why isn't anyone listening?! What else is there for me to do to win my children's safety in court!? During this time there were also glimmers of joy, the relationship I had begun blossomed and continued to strengthen and grow.  We married and I found great support in my amazing new husband. But, every day I was losing a little piece of myself. I was so completely exhausted from fighting that I was numb to everyday life. Feeling like a zombie I just went through life’s motions daily- worried about what was going to happen next.  It seemed that we would take two steps forward in our case only to be thrown five steps backward. Having to deal with this abusive person on a regular(almost daily) basis allowed discomfort and traumatic stress to seep into all the corners of our lives. I was broken, and because I was broken my relationships with my family, my friends, my children, and my husband were not as deep and fulfilling as they could've been. I didn't have much to offer or so I thought. The level of despair I felt is something that I don't even think I can explain in words. If I had to try, I would say that it was like watching my children from afar dangling above a lion’s den, in a net, while someone stood there cutting at the ropes ever so slightly daily. I was just waiting for the ropes to give way. I cried a lot. Mostly while in the car to and from work which was the only time I seemed to have a minute to myself to let my emotions run free. I cried quietly at church and at Bible study in front of new friends and women who I barely knew but who helped me more than they’ll ever know. 

During one of my morning commutes, I finally released everything to God. With tears streaming down my face so hard I couldn't see…I pulled the car over. My head fell to the bottom of the steering wheel as I sobbed inconsolably, hands resting on the dashboard, palms open and facing the sky…physically handing my entire life and the safety of my kids and this whole situation over to God. Yet another court date was swiftly approaching and it was increasingly evident that there was absolutely nothing else that I could do to change our situation and end this battle. As tears streamed down my face a song came on the radio, it spoke of mountains not being moved and waters not being crossed but still having trust and giving all of that trust to God. It was then, at that moment that I handed everything over to him.  The instant the words “I trust you, please take this” left my lips waves of peace washed over me in a way that I have never felt before in my life. Soft-spoken words were repeating over and over again in my head " Have I not shown you how much I love you?" “Have I not shown you how much I love you?” “Have I not shown you how much I love you?”  I had never audibly heard the voice of God before, but I knew in my bones without a sliver of a doubt that he was speaking directly to me. His voice was quiet, and gentle yet absolute and final all at the same time. I answered His question through sobs…”Yes, but I'm drowning! Please take this from me! I can't hold on anymore! My feet have lost their ground and my hands have lost their grip of this sheer cliff I have been climbing. I cannot hold on anymore! Please catch me, God, I'm failing! I’m falling!”  I sat there and collected myself for quite a few minutes allowing myself to soak in God’s peace and then I was back on the road to work. 

On my way home that day I rode in silence praying. Praying for the man who had put us through so much. I asked God to change his heart and for him to do the right thing for the children. Also asking God to move this mountain in front of me. I begged and pleaded because I just couldn't do it anymore. I prayed for mercy. I talked and prayed and thanked Him for the lessons I had learned during that time. I thanked Him for keeping my children safe thus far. I prayed for the court workers and my attorney and the judge. I prayed for everyone except myself and then I let go and I put it out of my mind. I stopped spending every moment of my life frightened about what was to come and preparing for trial. I, literally, just gave it all to Him in faith. I flipped the radio on and a song came on speaking about being still. Being still and knowing that He is God. It was instant confirmation that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing in these moments. Nothing. Let Go and Let God.

Things were completely quiet for about a week, I didn’t hear from anyone involved in my case at all and it was a welcome break. Then I got an email from my attorney that would change everything forever.  Words were written in this email that I never in a million years dreamed were possible. He wrote, “don't pay any attention to the beginning of this email that I have forwarded to you because it's all garbage. But if you look at the end, it appears that there is an opportunity for your husband to adopt your children.  Mr. ****** would like to relinquish his rights.”   I couldn't believe what I was reading!! My breath was caught in my throat, my hands were shaking and tears were cascading down my face! Tears of joy, tears of release but also some apprehension…. “was this for real?!” “Is he, really going to do this?!”  I thought to myself… “I shouldn't get too excited….what if he changes his mind??... what if this doesn't really happen?! I mustn’t get too hopeful.”  I immediately called my husband and with my voice shaking I told him the news. He couldn't believe it either!  This is what we had wanted all along! This was the only way that we knew “our” kids would be safe from emotional and physical harm.

The next day I picked a stone from a bag during bible study…a stone that looked like a mountain. I carried the mountain with me all the time over the next few weeks as we prepared for the adoption.  It was kind of like a “worry stone” for me. I held it in my hands when I thought about what was coming and prayed that everything would go through smoothly. I rubbed it between my thumb and forefinger over and over and over again. I was excited but still not allowing myself to believe it fully... “Was this, actually going to happen?!” The process was taking a really long time, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to release every shred of my angst until the ceremony was completed, and the papers were in my hand, but I was still trusting in God. I knew that He would keep His word and we would be able to finally put all of this behind us as a family.  We planned a trip to the beach scheduled on the weekend following the adoption and I knew what I wanted to do with my mountain.  Adoption day came and the mountain went into the courtroom with me along with my bible and some handwritten prayers that had carried me through this perilous situation for the last 5 years. A few family members joined us in the courtroom on Adoption Day and we were all just full of excitement and anticipation. Everyone in that courtroom was all smiles. The judge asked each of the kids if they wanted my husband to be their forever Dad to which they, of course, replied enthusiastically “YES!!” They were each given an adoption day bear by the judge, and we were pronounced an official family.  We all headed out to lunch to celebrate! After lunch, we took the kids and had a fun family day filled with activities. This would be a day we would remember and celebrate each year for the rest of our lives.  

That Friday we headed down to the beach to spend the weekend together. Upon arrival I had my husband drop me off at the boardwalk alone while he circled the block a few times with the kids ….it was dusk….I slipped my flip flops off and felt the sand on my feet. I slowly walked to the water’s edge smiling as some light tears trickled down my cheeks. I tumbled the mountain around in my hand…… it felt lighter than it had before…more like just a stone. I thanked God for the miracles he had done in my life. I thanked God as I threw my mountain into the ocean and watched it sink.

Looking back now I wouldn't trade a second of my story for anything in the world because what I have gained, having come through this, is immeasurable. During this time God showed up in so many ways! He showed up in people, he showed up through the radio, he showed up through my church, He first showed up in my small group, He showed up in my daily Bible reading‘s….constantly reminding me that he was there. He was working on things even if I couldn’t see the big picture and I wouldn’t see that big picture for years. The end of the tunnel was never coming in my mind but God just kept telling me to trust Him, hold on, keep fighting!

  If your stone could speak what would it say? Do you have a problem or situation…maybe something from your past?  A mountain that you climbed or are still climbing? Do you have a story that you would like to share to encourage others?  I would love to hear your stone speak and your stories of mountains that have sunk or that are sinking with the help of God. You can send your story to me through Private Message or email at sinkingmountains@gmail.com.  If you have a problem that you need help with please reach out and I will help you get connected with the right resources in your area to help you through it even if a circumstance is ongoing and seems like it will never end. Nothing is impossible with God. You just have to open your heart and let him in. Let’s see how many mountains we can sink with the help of our God.

 

“With man this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible.” – Matthew 19:26